Take Me Out to The Blah Game

From February to August each year I believe I should be entitled to a reduction in my newspaper subscription, as I don't bother looking at the sports section. What's the point? It's just crammed with statistics and breathless gushing over one blah game after another—basketblah, baseblah and golf. And while a puck isn't technically a ball, hockey is just as blah. This year we were even treated to the World Cup—the rest of the world's footblah. God, it's tedious to watch.
I know, I know. Everyone gets to play, and all the little nippers learn teamwork. But that doesn't make it entertaining. Call me a snob, but I can't get into a sport that seems to be unplayable without riots and stampedes and deaths. Soccer is all they've got in most of those dreary little towns around the world, so winning and losing become life and death struggles. But we in America don't live in those dreary little towns, and have other sporting events to watch. Ones in which teams actually have an offense and score points.
American football has its fanatics and lunatic fringe—the painted faces and bare skin in freezing weather—but I don't recall bloody mayhem on the level of soccer and hockey…America's answer to bullfighting. (The most frightened I've ever been in my life was at a Ranger game in Madison Square Garden in 1969. And I was in Viet Nam in 1966.) Football is a game invented for TV, where most of us get our sports craving sated. Every replay shows a different skirmish in the overall battle, interesting facets of the larger picture. How many times can you watch a pop up being caught? Yawn.
And is there an IQ cap on baseblah players? They seem to be the most ignorant, racist, stupid athletes on the planet. A dugout full of steroid riddled honyocks, yahoos and rednecks scratching their balls, hocking on their shoes and chewing wads of gum, tobacco and God only knows what.
And does anyone really think the hardest thing to do in sports is hit a fast ball? It ain't easy. But please. A tenth-grade drop out throws a ball with only a general idea of where its going, and it’s swung at and missed or hit by another tenth-grade drop out who also has no idea where it’s going. This compares with hitting a tight end 30 yards down field two inches from the side line? I don't get it.
Basketblah is only marginally better. And then only at the college level. The NBA season is just one long slam dunk competition. I say if you have to go to a game do the following: make the food and drinks better, show NFL highlight reels for an hour, then bring out the seven-footers, start them at 90 points each and go right into OT.
No, sports fans, football has it all over the rest of them. It's the only sport with true sportsmanship. When have you ever seen baseblah or basketblah players from different teams hanging out together after the game? Never happened, never will. Football has its prima donnas for sure, but for every Terrell Owens there are five Latrell Sprewells. These punks have no honor, only talent. And that's not enough for me.